Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Paypal, old snacks, and coffee purchased with change.

My girl has a Nana.
Her Nana is a nice lady.
Truly.
Sometimes she sends over "snacks" and what not. Candy, pre-packaged crackers, and other such sort of miscellany.
So when accepting above named kind gestures from old people,
Heed this warning:

CHECK THE FUCKING DATES MY FRIENDS...APPARENTLY RITZ EXPIRE!

While on my way home for work this evening, I stopped for gas.
Deciding to use my Paypal debit card was obviously a shit idea. I stuck it in the slot and waited, and waited, as I impatiently uttered what the fuck under my breath the pump started to chirp at me.....
Please see attendant.
Muttering what the fuck again, I proceeded to try again....same result.
What the fuck.
The very oriental lady was waiting for me. Is oriental "P.C".?
I handed her my card. She looked it over as if I had handed her a strange ancient artifact.
"you debit"?
"run it as credit please, I haven't set up a pin yet"
Her eyes widened.
"You steal! Thief! This no you card!Thief!"
"What"?

I shit you not people.

"No really its mine, see here's my license" (Trying to keep my calm)
"I no believe"
"Fine I'll go to the fucking station down the street...my card please" (Losing control of calm)
"Oh...fine I try...deb or cred"?
"Whatever works...".

Again...what the fuck?

Frustrated I slammed the nozzle into my little p.o.s., then the pump turned off.
Yeah just my pump. Yeah.

"Auw, you try num 4".
"K".

After on more what the fuck, I got in the car. I was getting hungry.  Remembering the "snacks" i grabbed this morning started to lift my spirits.
Nana snacks.
It was dark, I fumbled around and opened the Mini Ritz Peanut-Butter Crackers and threw a handful in my mouth.
I can't begin to describe the horror my taste buds experienced. Somewhere between stale, mold, and shit.
I pulled over, still in the parking lot and spit it out. Door opened, hanging out of the car, spit it out.
Upon inspection of the package I found they expired..
In.
TWO THOUSAND FUCKING SIX
I threw the package and continued to spit as a lady walked up to me and asked if I was vomiting.
No I replied, almost, but no, just spiting out old ass crackers.
She told me she found it offensive. I lit a cigarette.
She informed me I shouldn't  spit on the good green earth....
What the fuck.
I found this intriguing as we were in "that part of town" and there is nothing green about it.
I informed her of that, she didn't respond.
Now I'm not for littering and what not but given the circumstances...yeah.
We exchanged a few choice words.
I watched her get into her Ford Excursion...Diesel no less.
I moved on.

I frantically searched the car for a bottle of water...nothing.
Not wanting to re-enter into the Chinese gas station, I left.

I did what any good, rational, outstanding person would do.
I hit Starbucks for a coffee, and I paid in change. My dealings with plastic were over for the evening.

I"m slightly paranoid about food and its expiration. I slipped up, obviously.

So kids, when Granny sends a snack for the road..check the date.
Oh and pay cash for gas.

9 comments:

Nicole said...

WHAT THE FUCK?! ahhahah
That sounded like my worst nightmare!

Nicole said...

Btw I changed my display name from Carolyn to Nicole, because that's my real name. Don't want there to be any confusion! hhaha

Starts with one said...

Real names are nice...mine is not Starts.
It was a nightmare, but I made it through.
Hows the camera?

Amber said...

Starts, my love, where the fuck have you been?

I am sorry, but I laughed out loud a few times reading your post. I am familiar with "Nana snacks", and because we are aware that Grandma has kept shit in her cabinet since WWII, we ckeck dates. Last thing you want to tear into is a crakcer box full of weavils. YUCK!!


Oh, and yeah....I think "Oriental" isn;t PC, but it is funny as hell and pertinent to the story, so it's okay.

I once hit a gas station for some Chips Ahoy and a milk. Ate the cookies and took a HUGE swig out of the milk when I felt something somewhat solid hit my lip. Comde to find out the milk had expired like A MONTH before. So yeah, I wasn't that "green" either as I spewed cookies all over the parking lot.

Gives a new meaning to tossing your cookies, wouldn't you say.

PS: Come around more, you are missed.

Nicole said...

I haven't been able to buy film yet because it's sooo expensive, so now it's just kind of lying on my desk and I pick it up in sadness every once and a while(everyday).

Starts with one said...

Nicole-That sucks. At least you have the camera. I have a turntable I recently broke the needle on...I look at it all the time. I was blessed with a rare EXPENSIVE need to find.
Who knows maybe Santa will give drop some film off.

Amber-So I'm not the only one that gets "Nana snacks". SWWEEET!
I just always remember Margret Cho saying "Only rugs are Oriental, I'm Asian" or some shit.
It is funny as hell though.
I have experienced bad gas station milk but never with the chunks...E-W-W-W..Yuck.
I'm trying to make more of a effort to post more, but its cool to be missed. I know who my real readers is...yo.

DanWins said...

Long time no see!

Haven't seen any post in awhile and figured to stop in and see if all was well?

Just a quick FYI, this post was on my BD, Thank God I didn't read it that day. I might not have eaten my Cake. LOL

Anyway, Again I hope all is well with you and yours and you all have a Great Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year.

Danny
Anything at Anytime

Starts with one said...

Merry Christmas to you too!
Hope you are doing well.

I have been lacking majorly in posting..I'm hoping to change that.
Thanks for stopping in.

K Marie said...

Sorry for the bad luck! I have some ritz crackers but they are fresh. I am a freak about expiration dates...